your room smells of hookers.
And success
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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