mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
