I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
