I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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