Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I touched a dick in church today
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
