I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
