I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
