I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
