I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
