you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
