chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
