If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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