totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
