I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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