It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
