went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think I am morally bankrupt
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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