My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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