Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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