After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
