No stitches, just platelets and will power
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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