I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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