what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
