About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
