It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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