i would punch a child for taco bell
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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