I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
