I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
