we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
