New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
