My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
