i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you inspire me to be a worse person
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
