"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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