my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
