My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
