my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
