I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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