I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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