I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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