So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
