The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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