There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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