Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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