i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
