I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize