I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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