The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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