WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
