My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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