My sheets look like a crime scene.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
