Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
