We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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