im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
