Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
