I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
