My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
