Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
