You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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