6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
