____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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