I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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