Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
