I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize