he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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