You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
