Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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