oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
